Stage 1… Unfinished

Ten years, one month and a few weeks. Plus two earlier years for friendship.

My world has you in every corner and every inch. I will not try stripping every sticky note of you on my wall because I do not think I can. I would just break me if I do.
I wish my tears were pearls or diamonds then I’d be super rich by now.

Maybe, I will try topping it with something else. Another little sticky note of my own at a time.

Even that breaks me still. I know that I can do things on my own. I’ve pictured myself doing stuff without you before. It is just different, I guess, when I know that I would actually have no you to go home to after my me-time.

I did see this coming. I knew one day would come when I would hear you say your “goodbye”. Shucks, it hurts. I choke then swallow to stop me from bursting into tears.

I really do not know what to do noxt.
And I really do not want to go home right now.

My puffy eyes and red nose. Yeah, they are telltales that solicits questions when I do not want to talk at all. I do not want to see anyone. I just want to be alone right now. And it suchs that I can’t afford to do that.

I feel cloudy in the head.

The voices inside my head have tamed down a bit too. Thank you. They are giving me my moment to grieve, feel and hope that things will get better. I know it is just all play-pretend all is well for now until it becomes real. I am not even hearing attempts to comfort me anymore. Maybe just a little whisper or a sigh that expresses just enough melancholy that I can get thru this.
I am not okay.
I am not.
I want to jump off a bridge
See lines of scratches on my legs and arms to tell me that that is pain. The rest is just my mind and my past playing fencing. I see nobody winning though. I see them both dying.

How is he now?
I want him to be fine but I don’t want him to be fine without me. I want him back but don’t really have anything to offer him. I’m beginning to sound so much like him. Or was he the one becoming like me. I hope not.

The world would be very dark if people were all like me. Maybe not with the sane me. But I’ve been too broken that my sanity leaves me whenever it feels like doing so. It goes on a vacation while I’m locked in a dungeon once occupied by an old guy who died after a hundred years of pleading to die.

Life is good.

Not right now.

It will allow me to be miserable but only for some time. It will not be long when life will be kicking me all over because crying really will not change anything. It will scream at you that you should make yourself a better person. I feel tired already with the idea alone that I will be hearing those words some time.

I do not know what to say but I keep talking anyway.

I can’t think straight because it would hurt so bad if I do.

I am just in a limbo right now. A place for lost souls who committed suicide and have no place in heaven nor earth.

I am dead. I’m alive.

i’m tired and very hurt but not planning to move on. If there’s no one around I would suck all the hurt in and make love to it until I would be so numb that I could just just watch my jaw fall off.

I blame my father, my ex and everyone else in my past for making me the lonely person that I am now.
If I were not lonely I would not have searched or asked for too much.

Who really cares about being treated like a princess.
Who cares if you smoke
What the hell if you want to spend your time with your friends.
Right, friends. Your friends are not my friends. They are my competition. They take your attention, your time, your affection. You improve your self-esteem by being with them. I, will only pull you down. You will always feel my judging eyes pierce and scar you with all the wrong that you are.

I’m sleepy. I want to drink. I want to have all the material things that I want. I want to buy fabric, shoes, clothes, bags, sewing machine. I want to learn parkour, swordsmanship, knife tricks, zumba, yoga, swimming, rock/wall climbing.

Would the world be brighter if I get to have and do all those?

A smile.

I will still hate myself for having him go thru this. He did not deserve me in the first place. I just wanted him to get what he wanted but did not realize what I scaredy cat I am to give my all.

P.S.
I am not supposed to make sense now. I’m very angry. We just died. Let me be.

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